One month into the new norm...

So Lauren has now turned one month old. In these last four weeks I have started to learn who she is as a person (for now). Starting with her birth, I realize that she may take a while to warm up to ideas, but when she is ready she will come with all she has. She had no problems nursing and proved that by doing so right out of the gate and for about 30 minutes after that. She also has an amazing ability to block out the most ear piercing screams and screeches from her older siblings and just sleep. However, the mere creak of our mattress as I climb into bed at night will startle her wide awake.

She is such a good baby and I find myself marveling at the overflow of blessings I am experiencing in my life these days. When I envisioned my life as a young girl, I dreamed of having at least three kids...the number became more settled on 3 or 4 as I got older and by the time I met Matthew I had the number three as my ideal number. However, without sharing details, I wasn't even sure if I could have kids of my own. When he and I got married we knew it was a possibility that I may not be able to get pregnant. Not for sure, but a possibility. When we got pregnant with Levi I was shocked for a number of reasons. Mainly, because we were not trying to have kids. We had only been married for 8 months I wanted a little more time with my new husband. Plus, like I said, we didn't know if this was even possible. There are other factors in that time that made this a bittersweet discovery, but overall I was deeply overjoyed that I could even get pregnant.

Fast forward to 2011 and here we are three children and two miscarriages later. (I have never blogged about the miscarriages, but they happened in the fall of 2010. They were very early in the pregnancies and although they were painful, God did some very cool things during that time.) After having Lauren, I felt the dream was realized. I have this feeling of completeness with my family. I have lived long enough to know that life does NOT always go the way you think/hope it will. A lot of times, if you are following God, His plan is much better than the one you envisioned for yourself. But there are times, when His plan and your dream are one in the same. I kinda feel like this might be one of those times. I do not take for granted the blessing that I have in these three beautiful children.

Since Lauren has arrived I have experienced more contentment than ever in the early days of having a newborn. The journey of being a parent has been something I have trouble articulating. When Levi was born, I had no idea how to be a mother. I knew the basics of taking care of a newborn, but anyone can do that. Being a mother is so much more than that. As he grew, every victory he had, I took personally...every failure he had, I took personally. I was constantly looking to him for validation that I was a good mother. However, in that first year, you don't get a lot of feedback from your child. You get milestones reached and weight gained, and sleeping occurring. If these happen on time or early, you tend to pat yourself on the back. On the other hand, if they happen at a delayed pace or not the way you think they will, you beat yourself up. The grade you give yourself as a mother hangs on these markers. This is how it happened for me anyway. I was insecure and constantly compared myself to other mothers. With the second, I learned that some things are out of my control. I relaxed when she didn't do things exactly when I thought she should. I also didn't take it as personally when another child her age or younger accomplished something that she has little or no interest in doing. I stopped taking every little victory or defeat personally. I know I am a good mother. I am still growing and learning, but I know I am doing the best I can at this moment. I hope that I am better in a year than I am now. I know with time my patience will increase as my expectations decrease. I am learning that life is less about me and what I want and more about me and my family and what is best for us. God has a beautiful plan for each of us and I get to play a major part in the furtherance of three of His creations' journey. With the third, I am free from feeling my child needs to be the best or biggest or whatever. My children are such blessings to me and I just focus on loving them and being the mom that God made me to be. I am not there yet, but I have had some major changes since beginning this journey in March of 2007 (when I found out I was pregnant with Levi), and I look forward to the changes that lay ahead. 


Your reward for getting to the end of this post is pictures! Yay for you :)