I am part of the committee that is planning our 10 year class reunion. I have been on the Facebook page creating posts purely for the intent of keeping the reunion on people's mind. I never thought this little task would give me insight into myself.
I posted a comment the other day that said, "Like this comment if you hated High School, but still plan to attend the reunion." I was merely poking fun at a comment another classmate had made and was trying to make a point. I also "liked" the comment. I didn't really HATE high school, but I never felt like I fit in, I wasn't popular and I made some choices that I wish I hadn't. The comments that followed were eye opening. A few people got on and said that they loved high school. Another commented to the notion that
I belonged to the popular group and had a lot going for me in high school! This is where I stopped in my tracks. That was the last thing I would have thought about myself in high school
At first, I was a bit taken aback that anyone would think that of me in high school. (Honestly, I am still struggling with whether the comment was directed at me...maybe it wasn't...) However, this got me thinking seriously about contentment and being appreciative for what you do have. As my mind meditated on this I had a huge epiphany. I am always (to a degree) unhappy with my life. I have so much to be thankful for and so much to just dwell in and enjoy, yet I am always looking for the next thing to further enrich the things I already have. I thought that this had passed in my teen years. I thought I was better at this, but I took that afternoon to examine my thoughts as of late.
- I long for the days when I am not dealing with poop multiple times a day
- I dream about the days that my kids are in school and for a brief time each day I can have my OWN agenda
- I look at our finances and imagine what it will be like when X, Y and Z are paid off
- I renovate our house in my mind 10X a day
- I see other moms that always seem put together and think, why can't I be like that?
Wow, I am sickened at just this small list! I have so much going for me right now. I have three beautiful, healthy children and they will never be this innocent and little EVER AGAIN. I need to remind myself of that more often. We live in a wonderful house. If we never do another thing to it, it is a great house! I will miss my kids when they are all gone at school for a large part of the day 5 days a week. I know I will adjust and it will be good to work more then, but I need to look at the bright spots of the gig I have now. And the money well, I can still think of those things and plan. I just need to be content with what we have.
Finally, I don't have it all together. Maybe someone thinks I do, but here is a secret. My house is messy most of the time. I plan play dates so that I have motivation to clean it (and the social interaction it is a double bonus here). I have a wonderful lady who comes and cleans my floors and bathrooms twice a month. (whew, that felt good to "say" I have been holding that one in for a few months). I play on Facebook so much that I think I loose an hour or so a day in 5-10 minute increments. I used to have a type A personality but the Type B in me had a coup and well here we are. I may never see her again.
I say all that to say that we can have a very low opinion of our self while someone else has a VERY different perspective of our life. There needs to be some balance. I may seem to have it all together because that is how I want to be perceived to a degree (don't we all?). I also need to pull back the reins and look at my life with the reality lens on a be happy for what it really is, not what I wish it to be. I am blessed. I have a lot going for me, and I am both humbled by that and proud of that at the same time.
