Those who know me well, know that I struggle with this. I admit that I default to yelling at my children. I HATE this about myself. If given the chance, I would change this ugly trait in myself in an instant. Even though I can change, it's not instantly, but over time. This is day one. I have a plan and a new challenge. I have been praying for a while for a direction and the strength to change the way I communicate to my children. Well in a way that only God can do, he has given me an opportunity to work on this...multiple. times. a day. Here is the current story.
I must preface this by saying that I love Levi. He is such an awesome kid that I feel blessed to have in my life and to have as my own son. I can already see that God has wired him in such a way as to be a strong soldier for Him. He is also wired to help refine me to be more like Christ. He has the unfortunate job of being first born. This means that I make a LOT more mistakes with him. I hope he won't remember most of them.
We are now over four months into our life with three children. Things have been great! Almost too good to be true...and then it happened. Levi started destroying things in the home. First, a letter from a friend at Christmas (he didn't know what it was). Then a toy of Rachel's. Then a few of my things, and so on, you get the picture. My first thought was that he was just being destructive again (he went through this stage when he was 2). But as it got worse, I thought it had to be more. After four occurrences in one day, (and a few spankings and much yelling) I ran to Facebook and asked for advice. Feeling I was at the end of my rope, it was suggested that he wanted more time with us. That these behaviors were directly related to the new baby. So first, thank you Facebook for giving me the opportunity to get a fresh perspective on my child at 9:00 at night. Secondly, how frustrating this was to me. It seemed I had been put into a false sense of security thinking that since there hadn't been any backlash or regression from Levi up to this point that I was somehow "out of the woods". Rachel experienced some right away and came back around as of mid December. It took longer for Levi to express the feelings he has had. He loves Lauren and is very good with her and loves to help with her. However, he is feeling that his time with me is threatened (I am assuming). He is looking to get my attention in any way that he can. The reason I feel confident in this is that he tells on himself. The last few things that he has destroyed, he came to me right away and confessed. He apologized, but he also knew he wasn't supposed to have the thing in the first place. This instantly sends me into a fury. I usually begin lecturing him and ultimately the yelling starts. I am not proud of this but feel that being honest will help. Afterwards, he is crying I am on some strange adrenaline rush from the yell, and no one has grown.
Until today.
I am on a mission to change. I have tried so many times on my own and with no real plan. Just stop doing it doesn't work.I have been praying daily for God to help me with this awful pattern and now it seems to have gotten worse. (I really believe this had to happen for my motivation to reach the point needed for change). Now I sought some council, I reached out to friends and family that I could trust to pray for me and help me, and I have a PLAN! Today was the beginning of it all.
DAY 1: After he broke something of mine this morning we had the usual melt down of events, but it was (hopefully) our last. After church today he was told to pack up all of his favorite toys. I made him do it and I supervised to make sure that he chose the right ones. He was all too happy to do this and was excitedly running around grabbing toys and saying 'Ooo this is my favorite, this is my favorite.' Soon we had a bin full of toys. I put them just out of reach, but not out of sight and explained that he would be allowed to choose 1 toy to get out of the bin tomorrow morning. If he went the whole day without destroying anyone's property, he could chose another toy the next day and so on. If he destroys anyone's property, he has to put that toy back. He said he understood. We shall see.
My challenge in all this is to remove my emotions from the situation. If/when he destroys someone's property I am to simply tell him that I am disappointed and that he is to go get one of his toys and put it in the bin. Then I will send him to his room to think about his choice. That is it, no more attention on the subject or directed towards him.
On the flip side, my husband and I are both going to make a point to spend at least an hour a week just hanging out with him. He might run an errand with us or we might go to the local coffee shop and play a game. Either way it won't be directly linked to this new system of toys and bins, but hopefully we are filling the void that he has as his world was a bit disheveled recently. I will update you on this new journey I am taking as a person/mother and hopefully it will have positive outcomes for both Levi and myself.
So after months of praying more seriously about this, God sees that I am ready to take on the task that He has patiently been waiting to walk with me through. He is choosing to use my son to show me how a repeated sin doesn't always need a swift angry punishment. Sometimes the individual needs a soft, loving nudge in the right direction. That doesn't mean there aren't consequences for our actions, it just means that He doesn't add to our consequences. He lets them happen and uses love to woo us back to the better path He has for us. I am not only experiencing this from my Heavenly Father, but I am also trying to model this to my son. If you are reading this, please pray for me this week. I feel a bit like a smoker who has smoked her last cigarette today...
